The past 12 hours have been really eye-opening for me. I have exposed my self and my vulnerabilities to complete strangers on three separate occasions, and I'm struggling with how that discomfort affects me emotionally and mentally. But I know the right thing to do is innovate and not take one little shred of it personally.
Performing is really great. I'm in my element when I'm singing for people. But within that there is just so much I could do with it, and I want to perform in a way that highlights my strengths and then bring in people like Jake to balance out the areas where I'm not incredibly gifted, *cough*(attention to detail).
The other day I started reading Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields. He insists that in order to leverage risk, judgement, and uncertainty, you must lean into them. Well, those nouns are very present in my psycho-sociological mind goop right now so let me continue at the risk of being self-centered.
"Anything certain has already been done."
The reason anything feels safe is because you've either done it plenty yourself or you've seen or heard of other people doing it that way. Hmm.. also most people don't really know what they're talking about. They're either repeating something another person told them or speculating. So, if most people don't know what they're talking about when they say, for example, "this is how a musician gets big, they just go through the motions and blah blah, you know, man, yah, the grind," unless that person has seen 100x the success that I have, it's really ill-advised for me to take what they say and act on it. So I'm gonna stop saying that to people.
But back to things being certain. There is still something inside of us that craves certainty. Our brains programmed themselves through a ridiculous number of generations of hardship and suffering caused by uncertainty. The uncertainty of predators, the uncertainty of even having something to eat, the uncertainty of the weather. Danger was very real. But danger is not around the corner anymore. So while I want to find comfort in the 29-year-old mentor that I meet at the BMI workshop in Manhattan or whatever telling me how it really is in the scene because it's defined and I can sort of cuddle up with that until I'm ready to hitch up the saddle and release my EP, it isn't going to help me fulfill my destiny today and only I know how to package my strengths and use them to achieve my goals.
I've got a lot of work to do on that part. I wonder what the future holds...